Chapter One Once Upon a Time... in Nazi Occupied France
Go back inside and shut the door
Julie, get some water from the pump to wash up with then get inside with your mother.
Ready Papa
Thank you darling, now go inside and take care of your mother.
Don't run.
Is this the property of Perrier LaPadite?
I am Perrier LaPadite
It is a pleasure to meet you Monsieur LaPadite, I am Colenel Hans Landa of the S.S.
How may I help you?
I was hoping you could invite me inside your home and we may have a discussion.
Certainly, after you.
Colenel Landa, this is my family.
Colonel Hans Landa of the S.S. madame, at your service.
Please excuse my rude intrusion on your routine.
The rumors I have heard in the village about your family are all true. Each of your daughters is more lovely then the last.
Thank you.
Please have a seat.
Susane, would you be so good as to get the Colonel some wine?
Ah, no.
Thank you Monsieur LaPadite, but no wine.
This being a dairy farm one would be safe in assuming you have milk?
Yes.
Then milk is what I prefer.
Very well.
Please shut the window.
Thank you.
Monsieur, to both your family, and your cows, I say: Bravo.
Thank you.
Please, join me at your table.
Very well.
Monsieur LaPadite,
what we have to discuss, would be better discussed in private.
You'll notice, I left my men outdoors.
If it wouldn't offend them, could you ask your lovely ladies to step outside?
You are right.
Charlotte, would you take the girls outside.
The Colonel and I need to have a few words.
Monsieur LaPadite,
I regret to inform you I've exhausted the extent of my French.
To continue to speak it so inadequatel, would only serve to embarrass me.
However, I've been lead to belive you speak English quite well?
Yes.
Well, it just so happens, I do as well...
This being your house, I ask your permission...
...to switch to English, for the remainder of the conversation.
Certainly.
Monsieur LaPadite,...
...I thank you for the milk...
...and your hospitality...
I do believe our business here is done.
Madmoiselle LaPadite!
I thank you for your time.
We shant be bothering your family any longer.
So, Monsieur...
Mademousielles.
I bid you adieu.
Chapter Two INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
I have heard the rumors myself. Solders of the Third reich, who have brought the world to their knee's.
Now pecking and clucking like chickens. Do you know the latest rumor?
The one that beats my boys with a bat. The one called "The Bear Jew" is a golem.
Mine Fuher, this is just soldiers gossip, no one really believes the Bear Jew is a golem.
Why not? They seem to be able to elude capture...
...like an aberration.
They seem to be able to appear and disappear at will.
You want to prove their flesh and blood?
Then BRING THEM TO ME!
I will hang them naked, by their heels
from the eiffel tower! And then throw their bodies...
in the swers, for the rats of Paris to feast!
Kilest!
Yes, mine Fuhrer.
I have an order I want relayed to all German soldierds stationed in France.
The jew degenerate known as "the Bear Jew"
is never to be referred to as The Bear Jew again.
Yes mine Fuhrer.
Do you still wish to see Private Butz?
Who and what is a private Butz?
He's the soldier you wanted to see personally.
His squad was ambushed by Lt. Raines Jews.
He was it's only survivor.
Indeed I do want to see him...
Thank you for reminding me. Send him in.
So tell me exactly how you got away.
Werner and I were the only ones left alive after the ambush.
While one man guarded us, the rest removed the hair.
Hugo Stiglitz
How did you survive this ordeal?
They let me go.
You are not to tell anybody anything!
Your outfit was ambushed.
And you managed to get away. Not one word more.
Yes mine Fuhrer.
Did they mark you like they did the other survivors?
Yes mine Fuhrer.
CHAPTER THREE
"German Night In Paris"
"GERMAN NIGHT LENI REFENSHTAL in PAST WHITE HELL OF PIZA PALU"
What starts tomorrow?
A Max Linder festival.
Ummmm, I always prefered Linder to Chaplin. Except Linder never made a film as good as "The Kid". The chase climax of "The Kid", superb.
I adore your cinema very much.
Thank You.
Is it yours?
Do i own it?
Yes.
Yes
How does a young girl, such as yourself, own a cinema?
My aunt left it to me.
Thank you for hosting a German night.
I dont have a choice, but your welcome.
Then my thank you stands. I love the Refensthal mountain films,
especially, "Piza Palu". Its nice to see a French girl who's a admirer of Refensthal
"Admire", would not be the adjective I would use to describe Fraulien Refensthal.
But you do admire the director Pabst, dont you? Thats why you included his name on the marquee.
I'm French. We respect directors in our country.
Apperently even Germans.
Even Germans. Thank you for assistance, Private. Adieu
Your not finished?
I'll finish in the morning.
May i ask your name?
You wish to see my papers
Emmanuelle Mimieux. Thats a very pretty name.
Thank you. Are you finished with me papers?
Mademoiselle. My name is Fredrick Zoller.
Its been a pleasure chatting with a fellow cinema lover. Sweet dreams, Mademoiselle.
Hello, mademoiselle.
May I join you?
Look Fedrick...
You remember my name?
Yes.
Look, you seem a pleasent enough fellow...
Thank you.
You're welcome...
regardless, I want you to stop pestering me.
I appologize Mademoiselle,
I wasn't trying to be a pest.
I was simply trying to be friendly.
I don't wish to be your friend.
Why not?
Don't act like an infant. You know why.
I'm more then just a uniform.
Not to me.
If you are so desperate for a French girlfriend,...
...I suggest you try Vichy?
You are Fredrick Zoller?
Yes it is me.
Who are you?
I thought I was just a uniform?
You're not just a German soldier, are you somebodies son?
Most German soldiers are somebodies son.
Such a lucky girl to be with this German war hero.
No, no, no. She is not my girlfriend.
So you're a war hero?
What did you do?
I was alone in a walled city, by myself with a thousand rounds of ammo. In a bird's nest against three hundred soldiers.
What's a bird's nest?
A bird's nest is what a sniper would call a bell tower. It's a tall strcuture offering a three hundred and sixty degree view.
Very advantageous for a marksmen.
How many did you kill?
Sixty-eight...
...the first day.
A hundred and fifty...
...the second day.
Thirty-two the third day.
On the fourth day, they exited the city.
Naturally my war story recieved alot of attention in Germany,...
...that's why they all recognize me.
They call me the German Sergant York.
Maybe they'll make a film about your exploits.
Well, that's just what Joseph Goebbels thought.
So he did, It's called "Nation's Pride".
They wanted me to play myself, so I did.
They have posters for it in kiosks all over Paris. That's another reason for all the attention.
"Nation's Pride" is about you?
"Nation's Pride" is starring you?
I know, comical, huh?
Well, good luck with your premier Private.
I hope all goes well for Joseph and yourself.
Goodbye.
Mademoiselle Mimieux?
Yes?
Is this your cinema?
Yes.
Tell her to come down.
Come down please.
I don't understand, what have I done?
She wants to know what she's done?
Get your ass in that car.
- it's only the offspring of slaves that allows America to be competitive athletically.
America olympic gold can be measured in Negro sweat.
Joseph Goebbels The second most important to Hitler
Good you came.
I wasn't sure whether or not you'd except my invitation.
Invitation?
Is that the young lady in question, Fredrick?
Yes it is, Goebbels.
Emmanuelle, there is somebody I want you to meet.
Emanuelle Mimineux, I'd like to introduce you to the minister of propaganda,...
...the leader of the entire German film industry,...
...and now I'm an actor, my boss, Joseph Goebbels.
Your reputation precedes you Fraulein Mimieux.
And normally, this is heer Goebbels French interpreter, Mademoiselle Francesca Mondino.
Hello.
And you've met the major.
Actually, I didn't introduce myself. Major Deither Hellstrom of the Gestapo,...
At your service mademoiselle.
Please allow me.
Chapter Four Operation "Kino"
Nadine, France
...okay, I'm a fictional, literary character from the past, I'm American, and that's controversial.
No it's not controversial.
The nationality of the author, has nothing to do with the nationality of the character.
The character is the character.
Hamlet's not British, he's Danish.
So yes, this character was born in America.
Horay!
Schnapps? Schnapps? Schnapps? Schnapps? Schnapps?
Five Schnapps.
Well I'm glad that's settled.
If I had a wife, would she be called a squaw?
He's got it!
Is my bloodbrother, Old Shatterhand?
Yes!
Did Karl May write me?
Yes!
I am Winnetou, chief of the Apaches!
Yes!
Hello my lovelies.
I will join you in moments.
I'm finishing up a game with my five new friends here.
No hurry, Frau Von Hammersmark.
Take your time, enjoy yourself.
Eric, my love.
Please go and serve my friends over there.
Von Hammersmark, anything for you.
Three Whiskey.
I thank you all for including me in your game.
Hey, your card!
Let's see. Gegus Khaun!
I thought this place was supposed to have more French then Germans?
Normally that's true.
The Sargent over there's wifre, just had a baby.
His commanding officer gave him, and his mates the night off to celebrate.
We should leave.
No, we should stay.
For one drink at least.
I've been waiting for you in a bar,...
...it would look strange if we left before we had a drink.
She's right, just be calm, and enjoy your whiskey.
Eric, thank you very much.
Hey, why don't you come and fill in the empty place?
No, no, no. I can't. I must help my father.
Oh, you can go and play.
I will help her translate.
Nobody try to mess with her.
Don't worry. I'll help you out if they try anything.
I am stronger than I look.
Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps, Schnapps and Schnapps.
I have something to say.
We drink to the birth of a new son, Maxemillion.
All for max!
There's been some new developments in Operation Kino. The cinema venue has changed.
Why so?
No one knows. But that in itself shouldnn't be a problem.
The cinema it's been changed to is considerably smaller then the Ritz.
So whatever materials you brought for The Ritz should be doubly effective here.
Now this next piece of information is colossal, try not to over react.
The Fuhrer, will be attending tomorrow.
Frau Von Hammersmark, I was just thinking...
...could you sign an autograph to my son on his birthday?
I'd love to Wilhelm.
This handsome happy Sargent just became a father today.
So Wilhelm, do you know the name of this progeny yet?
Certainly. His name is Maximilian.
Wonderful name, Maximilian.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Nothing but the best for little Maximilian.
Thank you fraulein, thank you.
Max may not know who you are know. But he will.
I will show him all of your movies. He will grow up with your films...
...and this napkin on his wall.
I purpose a toast to the greatest actress...
...in Germany! There is no Dietrich, there is no Riefenstahl, only Von Hammersmark!
Frau Von Hammersmark, what brings you to France?
None of your business, Sargent.
You might not have worn out your welcome with the fraulein...
...with your drunken boorish behavior...
...but you have wore out your welcome with me.
Might I remind you Sargent, you're an enlisted man.
This is an Officers table.
I suggest you stop pestering the fraulein...
...and rejoin your table.
Excuse me Captain, but your accent is very unusual.
Where are you from?
Sargent! You must be either drunk or mad...
to speak to a superior officer with such impertinentness!
I'm making you and you responsible for him!
I suggest you take hold of your friend...
...or he'll spend Max's first birthday in jail for public drunkenness!
Then might I inquire?
Like the young newly christened father, I too have a accute ear for accents. And like him, I too find yours odd. From where did you hail, Cap't?
Major, this is highly inappr -
- I wasnt speaking to you Lt. Saltzberg,
or you either, Lt. Berlin.
I was speaking to Cap't I-don't-know-what.
I was born in the village that rests in the shadow of Piz Palu.
The mountain? Yes. In that village we all speak like this. Have you seen the Riefenshtal film? Yes.
Then you saw me. You remember the skiing torch scene? Yes i do.
In that scene was myself, my father, my sister, and my two brothers. My brother is so handsome, the director Pabst, gave him a closeup
Major, if my word means anything, i can vouch for everything the Young Cap't has just said. He does hail from the bottom of Piz Palu, he was in the film, and his brother is far more handsome than he.
You should rejoin your friends.
May i join you? By all means, Major.
So that's the source of your bazarr accent? Extraodinary. So what are you doing here Cap't?
Aside from having a drink with the lovely fraulien?
Well that pleasure requires no explanation.
I mean in country. Your obviously not stationed in France, or I'd know who you are.
You know every German in France?
Worth knowing?
Well,
There in lies the problem. We never claimed to be worth knowing.
All levity aside, what are you doing in France?
Attending Goebbels film premiere as the frauleins escort.
Your the frauleins escort?
Somebody has to carry the lighter.
The Captain is my date, but all three are my guests. We're old friends Major, who go back a long time. Longer than an actress would care to admit
Well in that case, let me raise my glass to the three luckiest men in the room. I'll drink to that
I must say, that game their playing looks like a good bit of fun. I didnt join them, because your quite right Cap't, officers and enlisted men shouldnt fraternize,... and sophisticated lady friends of officers. What say we play the game.
Okay, one game. wunderbar
So the object of this game, is to write the name of a famous person on your card. Real Or Fictitious, doesnt matter. for instance, you could write Confucious or Fu Manchu
Eric! More pens.
And they must be famous. No aunt Inga's. When you finish writing, put the card facedown on the table, and move it to the person to your left. The person to the right, will move their card infront of you.
you pick the card up without looking at it, lick the back, and stick it on your forehead like so. And in ten yes or no questions, you must guess who you are...
...So lets give it a try, shall we? Everybody write your names.
I'll Start, Give you an idea. Am I German? No.
Am I American? No.
Wait a minute, he goes to -
Don't be ridiculous, obviously he wasn't born in America.
So I visited America, aye? Yes.
Was this visit... fortuitous?
Not for you.
Hummm. My native land, is it what one would call, exotic? Yes.
Hummmm. That could be ether a reference to the jungle, or the Orient. I'm going to let my first instinct take over, and ask, am I from the jungle?
Now gentlemen, around this time you could ask, weather your real or fictitious. I however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that, yet. Okay, my native land is the jungle? I visited America, but my visit was not fortuitous to me, but the implication is that it was to somebody else.
When I went from the jungle to America, Did I go by boat?
Did I go against my will?
On this boat ride, Was I in chains?
When I arrived in America... Was I displayed in chains?
Am I the story of the Negro in America?
Well then I must be King Kong.
Now since I answered correctly, you all need to finish your drinks.
Now, who's next?
Major, I dont mean to be rude. But the four of us are very good friends. And the four of us haven't seen each other in quite a while. Major, I'm afraid, you are intruding.
I beg to differ Cap't. It's only if the fraulein considers my presence a intrusion, that I become a intruder. How about it fraulein? Am I intruding? Of course not, Major.
I didn't think so. It's simply the young Cap't is immune to my charms.
Im just joking, of course I'm intruding.
Allow me to refill your glasses gentlemen, i and I will bid you and the fraulein adieu.
Eric has a bottle of thirty-three year old single malt scotch whisky from the Scottish highlands. What do you say gentlemen?
Your most gracious, sir.
Eric, the thirty-three, and new glasses! You dont want to contaminate the thirty- three with the swill you were drinking. How many glasses?
Five glasses.
Not me. I like scotch, scotch doesnt like me
Nor I. Ill stay with bubbly.
Three Glasses.
To a thousand year Reich!
Did you hear that? That's the sound of my Luger pointed right at your testicles